Excited

Hello.

It's February huh?

i wont say it's fast or slow cause i felt my time kinda freeze.

The only thing that makes me realize that time flies is

My kid.

She will be in standard 2 next month!

Can you believe it?

Neither do i !

How can someone like me managed to raise her?

i am kinda proud of myself.

oh, i suppose to move to other place but somethings came up,

so need to postponed that plan this year.

Plus my kid wont need to change school. 

But i hope her transportation plan is going well.

Hey, i'm moving to my own place next month!

It's me & Suri all by our self.

But i am occupied 1 room for my sister to pantang there.

Because i live above my mom's place huhu.

i wanted to live far but i knew my mom worried bout us,

so for this 1 year, i will live here.

in future, dunno yet hehe.

How will i deco my house?

Was thinking of manimalist but the artist in me wanted COLOR!

Should i play with color and be non-typical house?

or should i play safe and go for boring muji style?

damn this is hard!

but i am excited! Been wanting this forever.

Wish me luck!

T R A S H

Someone came and ask for my heart.

How do i tell i don't have any left?

Maybe in the trash, if it was there.

or maybe has been crush to dirt.

dusting out thru the wind

winding to someplace i don't know.

A little update

31.

i got what i wish for this year.

Being alone.

i am enjoying my loneliness.

no commitment, no attachment, no relationship

no one to serve, no one to argue with me, no one to find my fault.

it would be a lie if i dont miss being taken care of,

being independent with a child is hard,

but i choose this.

insyallah, i can.

i wanted to be successful so badly.

i wanted to continue my study,

i wanted to go to places i can't go before,

i wanted my child to be proud of me.

yes, both in heaven too.

i wanted all of you to be proud of mommy.

but for today,

let me cry all i want.

my heart broke.

my body weak.

i'm stuck in the middle of everything.

and its suffocate me.

so let me cry all i want for today.

because i will get up a lil bit stronger later.

lets be strong for the future dz.

u can!

Goodbye Mrs

On 6th September,

Im no longer his wife.

It was a tough day to go thru.

Ive been getting those nasty words,

Insult, threat all day.

Just because i finally stand for myself.

After years of mental abuse,

Few attempt to kill myself,

I started listening to tazkiran and solat properly,

I start to love myself.

I never wanted a divorce to have freedom,

Or flirting here and there,

I just want some peace in my life.

I hate his harsh words,

I hate his threat,

I hate his insult,

Yes, i am definitely not a great wife & daughter in law.

But do i do the same as you?

U said its not fair,

To divorce like this,

But where is my justice then?

You spread lies by telling people,

Im rude and don’t listen to judge,

But the truth is i stated the fact,

And judge makes his decision as a decision maker,

Either to let u divorce me or hold the marriage.

And his decision is letting u to divorce me.

Was that my mistake too?

U took away my jewellery ,

U said I don’t deserve to wear it,

But in the past,

You keep stealing and selling mine behind my back,

But to fullfill your angst today,

I let u have whatever you want.

I dont shed tears today,

Because my tears has dried.

Ive been shedding tears for you to change for the past 8 years,

But you never change. Not a bit.

I had no desire to be an enemy,

Because we got kid together.

I just wish all the good things happen to you.

Hope you will find your perfect girl.

Im sorry for my incompetence for the past 8 years we married.

Thank you for the memory for the last 10 years.

Either good or bad.

I will take this as lesson for my life.

I hope you too.

Goodbye.

31

Few days ago,

Someone asked me to delete my blog.

Because apparently i spread aib in here.

First of all,

This is my personal space.

My voice and opinion wasn’t being heard by anyone out there,

And now you deny my rights in my ONLY safe place?

We supposed to open our divorce case tomorrow but change it to today,

And suddenly u can’t go because needed to work.

At this point  im no longer doubt if you only trying to drag this.

I don’t get the part after u read all of my word in here,

U still being selfish by wanted to keep me in your life,

Just for the sake of u can’t live without me

While still being a jerk and unappreciative bastard towards me

U spilled your hurtful words and call me useless,

Yet you hoping i will gladly and obediently open my arms for you.

You expect me to hug you while u crying,

But did nothing when i’m the lowest point in my life.

The world doesn’t revolve around you, only.

I will definitely having a hard life,

Being a single mom,

But my mental health,

my peace are definitely 

going to be okay.

I wanted to feel happy again.

It’s been so long since i felt that.

All this time, its always misery and sorrow.

What i wish for my gift this year is,

My happiness.

Happy 31 bitch.

Another day Another shit

Raining

It’s heavy rain lately

Wishing it wash away my pain

Trying to be positive

Despite feeling like shit everyday

Just for the sake of my kid,

I live for another day

How could you toss your responsibility on me?

While not willing to let me go?

Surely benefits you well,

Clear minds, peaceful sleep

Knowing i carried it all like a champion.

Fuck you

Will you only learn your lesson

If i die?

That would be so unfair.

Weird

I’m in this environment for 8 years now.

Don’t  tell me to try again

Too many time has passed

Too many chance was wasted.

This heart used to filled with love,

Now hatred everywhere.

Ahh why u even here?

Weird.

Meds

Midnight,

I seems to be awake.

Damn u meds.

It’s raining,

Calm and cozy night,

Totally opposite my heart.

Contemplating myself on this path,

Will i ever be success?

Just like everybody else.

Felt so left out.

Felt like I’m still standing at the same place,

While everyone else has achieved few levels.

Ahh,

Must be my meds,

Making me overthinking,

But it’s true thou

Fuck.

House

I missed my childhood,

The smell of small and narrow elevator,

Stops at 12th floor because it doesn’t go to odd floors.

Go down 1 level,

Walk along the corridor,

Reminiscing of us as a kids,

Playing sorts of game,

Remembering every each resident in this 4 doors.

Going to the house number 10.

I missed it.

Wasn’t all happy memories

But at least Ayah was there.

That house wasn’t feel like mine.

It was small,

Narrow,

But cozy.

It was our house.

Way different than the house im in right now.

This was bigger,

Way bigger,

But why i still doesn’t feel like this is mine?

Or I didn’t even had one,

From the start?

Bastard

How does it feels to marry a narcissist?

Suffered.

Thanks to what he had done to me,

I suffered with anxiety and depression 

My tendency to unalive myself is growing each days.

Those who tell me to just walk out from this relationship,

I did try. Many times.

But the power is not at my hand

And nobody stand by my side  to support.

I just wanna be alone.

I just want some peace.

I hate the sound of him nag,

I hate the sound of him coming home,

I hate the sarcasm he gave me,

I hate the way he drives when he’s angry,

I hate the way he touch me,

I hate it all.

I just want everything to be end.

He knew.

There is no more love.

But because of his ego, and inferior complex,

He won’t let me go.

He don’t want people to see that he failed.

He rather had me captivated 

Than let me go.

Hiding behind the word LOVE

Now tell me,

Am i the crazy one

Or

He is?

Heyya

I am freaking happy finally able to crack my own password

To be in here again.

I missed you old blog!

Too precious for me.

This blog is my life story

Although i deleted some of it

Whats up people?

I hope everything going great.

Mine?

Idk.

Too complicated to say

Ill write some when i am ready.

Work

In few more days,

I will start working.

Yeah, I've signed the contract since May but due to lockdown, only on board on Oct.

What a waste.

So I've been preparing my kid with the news.

She's not taking it well.

Tonight, she's crying again.

Begging me not to work.

I kid u not,

This is exactly what i felt when my mom out working.

The difference is i never spoke out to her.

It just in my head.

I am contemplating right now.

Maybe i try first, see how it goes.

If its fun,ill stay for few months.

If not, i just go AWOL

I don't care.

I no longer wanted to risk my mental health.

If i feel this job gonna stress me out.

I will walk out.

Tired again

I forgot my password.

Luckily this blog is accessible thru my phone.

Not my ipad.

But wheres the satisfaction in typing by using phone huh?

I write it down but it says not the correct password.

What the hell?

Well, few months goes by.

My birthday passed right? I wasn't have any strength to write back then.

I just.. tired.

Company just send email today,

Next month start working.

Wasn't sure if im going to like it.

But for 3 months, im going.

If its fun and less stress,i may keep going for at least a year. Wasn't plan to work that long.

Got own business to run anyway.

I hope school not starting next month.

My kid hasn't been vaccinate.

How could i risk her?

What those asshole's thinking?

Tired of this country politics rubbish.

Doesn't have any different with the people too.

I met few friends today.

Step outside to have lunch.

Just out of ordinary for few hours.

Being introvert definitely tiring.

Im missing home so much just after few hours socializing with human.

The truth is im losing myself.

Im tired,mentally and physically.

Im basically on duty from wake up till bedtime.

I need a way out to breath.

But what i get it when im home,

Sarcasm.

I hate it.

Ohh how i hate myself right now.

CAFFOX

Supporting a friend business by buying her perfume.

End up having migraine.

I really can’t stand perfume.

But I know how hard to live in this pandemic.

So I’m taking caffox and side effect is insomnia.

Well, I just finished creating 2 sticker designs.

Not bad.

Another side effect would be anxiety but since my hands are full and my mind is haven’t wonder too far, still managed to control it right now. But I’m pretty sure when I’m trying to sleep later I will cry again.

It’s hard being broken.

Currently training my kid to sleep as early as 9pm.

Needed to sort out her life properly before she’s entering her primary school life next year.

It’s hard to parenting this kind of thing.

More harder when your partner only give 10% effort.

It’s my first time too being a parents..

Sighed…

I’m done doing few commissionaire art projects for my friend.

But I do not know how much should I charge.

This is my fkin problem.

I may end up doing for free.

Fuck myself.

Lack of confidence and weak heart.

Arghhh!!

Dad death anniversary is getting closer you know.

I don’t know how to feel.

I missed him.

Not a single day didn’t think of him.

I hope you had peace and happy over there Ayah.

Will meet u again.

inshAllah.

J U L Y

July.

A memorial month.

It remind me of the day I was born.

And the day I lost my loved one.

It’s ironic isn’t?

A year has passed,

But you never leave dad.

I pray for you in my prayer,

I cry thinking of you each night.

Let’s hope I don’t have to go thru this pain again.

Let me live.

Let me breath.

I’m suffocate.

It’s painful to pretend everything is fine,

Like I’m healing and happy when the truth was

Far more worst than a bad news..

So fuck you July.

You suck!

Let’s just skip this month and fast forward to August.

Shall we?

R A N T at the middle of the night

I am introvert person.

Lots of people are surprise when I said that.

Mostly because I used to work in retail line.

But i really am.

I rather doing things alone.

I like living in my tiny house with my tiny family.

Just ourself.

Doing whatever we want without anyone’s to judge.

And then my in laws came.

Every week.

It’s not that I don’t like them.

I just feel like not comfortable.

My husband is a type of person who love homedeco.

But.. he will never do everything at once.

It took a week or two to complete so it’s always messy here and there.

And I have hair fall problem, mind you I vacuum every morning, but by night time it’s a lot again.

And my eyesight is worst, I don’t wear glasses all the time so most of the time I can’t see clearly.

And I live in condominium so vacuuming at night is a no no.

His parents love to visit at night.

She will observed.

And when she caught me alone (sometime she just go in my room)

She will tell me this and that.

Or sometimes just sarcasm me during video call with my kid.

It’s stressing me out.

I have depression and anxiety.

So I always feel tired and lay down.

But I still doing house chores.

Is it wrong to lay down in my own house?

Isn’t better to lay down than cut myself right?

I am lucky because my husband is okay with me doing minimal chores. Just I’m not allowed actually doing laundry because last time I’m kinda broke the pipe.

But why other people jealous?

I am technically work too.

I owned my small business.

Doing handmade craft, taking care of my kid,

Make sure she attend her virtual class,

Make sure she got food to eat,

Teach her if she didn’t understand things,

So I’m feeling tired too.

Am I not deserve break like others?

I am human too.

A fragile one.

If my husband end up read this,

I’m sorry.

It just that you never take my word seriously.

And I had no friends to talk to.

Forgive me to rant in here.

Y O U

Most of my friends in here,

Has stop blogging.

Because it’s no longer in trend.

But I did it for myself.

I have no friends to talk to.

I’m not good in conversation so I rather writing.

So all this time,

I just spew my crap in here without second thought.

Because I thought no one reading it.

I was surprised I still got viewer on every latest post.

Well. 

Whoever you are,

I hope your life better than me,

Happier than me,

Be safe.

About nothing

I always love animation.

Manga or anime.

Or even cartoon.

But as much as I love my Demon Slayer/Tokyo Ghoul/Fairytail,

Watching Howl’s castle for the first time was memorial.

I cried when he brings Old Sophie to the beautiful place and she went out as young Sophie.

It’s beautiful.

Another movie I really love is Wolf Children.

Really really beautiful storyline and cinematic.

I love everything in this movie.

Ahh.. I really have lots of time to spare..

Recently I listen to ITZY’s mafia in the morning.

Kinda catchy song. I like it.

Ryujin. I like her. Remind of myself. Not too girly not tomboy either.

Someone asked me if I still watching Kdrama.

Yes, I’ve done watching Mouse, Beyond evil, Sweet dream.

On going with Doom in your service, normally not into romance but storyline is a bit interesting and seo in guk kinda hot hahaha.

Can’t wait for Voice 4 even though Lee Jin Wook no longer in it.

Lockdown added another 2 weeks,

At this point I dunno if I ever gonna work or not.

I just don’t care anymore.

Late night thoughts

I started this blog after I broke up with YSL.

It’s been 13 years.

I find it amusing to write my life online 

rather than have a diary.

I rarely go back to older post because sometimes it’s too painful

to remember and read.

Is my life too sad ? Haha.

Has depression and anxiety has take over my life?

I found it hard to feel happy.

I open up to my husband regarding my anxiety (not saying anything about depression)

I’ve been a laughing stock.

Haha. Sometimes when I’m staring at window,

He jokingly asked me if I’m thinking to jump.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

It’s so funny I think I want to.

This is why,

I don’t really open up to anyone.

They mock me.

Making me want to do stupid thing so so badly.

Don’t talk about if I ever solat to calm my problem or not,

Because I’m the only one who solat in this house.

I decided to bimbing myself even I’m not perfect mana in ibadah.

I’m hoping for jannah even I knew I’m a sinner.

Uhh whatever.

When everything regarding this Pandemic is over,

I think of getting help.

To be honest, 

If I can go and live in another country,

It would be great because I’m sick of this place.

I planning to studying and working in New Zealand

But Pandemic happens.

I really hope it will come true one day.

Kind

I asked my husband the other day,

Why he likes me.

He said because I’m a kind person.

I almost chocked on my drink.

Kind.

If only he knew I wasn’t.

I just decided to save myself from unnecessary trouble.

No clubbing = I work in retail and too tired.

No alcohol = My tolerance was so bad ( I knew because accidentally ate alcohol based cake few slice and I’m drunk called my ex)

No sex= Because I trust no one.

Not a cheater= Because lying to few people is tiring.

I guess that’s what KIND mean in men’s dictionary 

I’m not kind at all.

Sometimes I curse in my head.

I side eyes people I hate.

I added sarcasm while acting like I’m fine.

I believe there is absolutely no kind person ever,

Like when you comfort a friend in trouble.

Gives them tons of solution for their stupid problem.

Try your best and waste your time to help them,

But in the end, they only take you for granted.

I rather shut myself at home.

Updating my Instagram to let people know,

I’m still alive.

That’s it.

My anxiety getting worst.

It effect my heart, I had to rush to IJN last week.

With no insurance.

I shouldn’t stop my insurance.

But it’s okay.

I kinda miss my dad.

Sometimes I can feel that I’m in the ICU,

Reminiscent the last moment we talked.

It’s almost a year isn’t?

Al-Fatihah Ayah.

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